The Smokers Review: New Guernica

Words: Ripley Callahan

Event: Dance Technique (Weekly Thursday night)

New Guernica’s smokers is kind of like staring down the barrel of a gun. But your life isn’t under any immediate threat, its just long and really fucking narrow.

Poorly used idioms aside, New Guernica’s smokers is situated on a balcony overlooking Little Collins Street. Running either side of the space are long benches (seating only), which leaves enough room for a single file stream of people to precariously stumble down the middle.

The smokers here fills up quick, meaning that to snag a seat, you’ll probably have to be prepared to stand conspicuously in the aisle, rubbing your crotch and behind into the face of some poor soul who is seated until space opens up (if you haven’t finished your dart already).

The real prized real estate here are the seats at either end of the smokers. If you somehow manage to weasel your sweaty ass down the rabbit-hole to one of these seats, you’ll be treated with extra legroom, an armrest, and an orthopedically considered backrest. Think of it as a business class arrangement. A friend also tells me that as you make your way further down the smokers in either direction, the easier it is to give someone two tens and a five.

You can’t bring drinks into the smokers, and it is more than likely that you will have to endure a short wait in order to gain entry to the area. One bonus is the opportunity to indulge your taste for colonial-era architecture. With the ageing building façades across the street always seeming to spark a haunting fascination as one approaches the wee hours of the morning.

The smokers may be small, but the close proximity to others means that the opportunities to make 10 new Facebook friends or arrange one of those (ever unfulfilled) coffee-dates with a perfect stranger the next morning are infinite.

Expect the smokers to shut-up shop around 4am, when your only other options become walking down the stairs to hoof a ciggie at the entrance or to grit your teeth and forget your nicotine cravings by jumping around like a mad-man to Post Percy inside.

The New Guernica smokers gets a rating of 4/5 vibes, 1.5/5 for space to move leading to an average of: 2.75/5 darts.

Had a smokers experience you would like to share?